In a bold move, the city council demanded that businesses relocate to the downtown Aberdeen area on Tuesday. “I’m sick of looking at vacant buildings when I drive downtown.” council member Dick Muffin said. “I don’t intend on moving my business there, but we are going to make others move theirs.”
Downtown Aberdeen deteriorated when the South Slum Mall opened in the 80’s turning it into the desolate place it is today. Former store owner Chad Willis said “We had our store downtown, things were great. Then that damn mall came and everybody jumped ship & deserted us.” he continued, “So we relocated to the mall, then Wal Mart opened and people deserted us again!”
Many merchants had to move out of the Slum Mall due to the insanely high lease agreements. Some relocated while others couldn’t compete with the worlds biggest retailer and closed their doors.
Answering the beckoning call of the city council, were two area businesses. Coffee mega giant Starbucks & retail giant Wal Mart. “Starbucks and Wal Mart are the only places people go anymore, anyway” council person, Shelly Lip told us. “I mean, think about it. Self-absorbed, narcissistic people go to Starbucks for a false image of importance to themselves & others, and local businesses die when Wal Mart comes to town anyway, so it’s just a matter of time. Plus, people actually ‘get ready’ to go to Wal Mart. This is going to be great!”
In a 9 to 1 vote, every vacant store in the downtown area will be a Starbucks or Wal Mart in an “every other” order. The lone opposing vote was from Pulitzer Prize recipient Professor Jim Hagger who said during the vote, “I cannot believe you are entertaining the thought of this. It is absolutely ridiculous to do this” He was then stoned by council members and those in attendance.
The building conversions have already begun with an estimated completion of two weeks.
